The Painstaking Art Of Saying "No"

Practice makes perfect.

Like many millennial women of a certain age, I’ve always had a tough time saying no to people. It’s honestly ironic that I’ve gone on to become an editor — a job that is all about filtering through endless heaps of things and ideas, shooting down 96% of the ones that come your way. But even beyond the discomfort I can feel turning something or someone down for press coverage, my hours away from my work inbox are still riddled with people and things demanding my attention. And even now in my early 30s, the thought of uttering that teeny tiny word makes me squirm.

A lot of our reluctance (and I am generalizing here) to say no can be chalked up to the way young girls are raised, at least in this country. That flutter of disappointment someone might feel is ingrained in us since the moment your parents asked you to hug this or that relative or continue on with that extracurricular activity, even if you really, truly didn’t want to. You can’t let anyone down. Or worst yet, you might be disappointed in yourself.

That type of guilt, that drive to be agreeable above all else, is so entrenched within modern culture that there’s a whole bevy of stereotypes associated with it — some more flattering than others. And while I was technically raised Catholic (a religion that’s raised trillions of dollars via the world’s preeminent guilt trip), it was popular culture itself that kept reiterating my need to be a people-pleaser, the nice girl that everybody liked and nobody talked bad about behind her back. Otherwise you might be (insert collective gasp here) be labeled a bitch.

As the last two major American election cycles have shown us, being perceived as bitchy, bossy, stuck-up, haughty, or generally anything other than accommodating and sweet can seriously cost you. Sure, for the average women it won’t keep you from breaking that final glass ceiling of the presidency, but it will likely lead to some not so distant whispers about how likable you are — especially to men. And considering that men are still predominately the ones in power, both in the United States and around the world, that makes an unlikable woman akin to a social pariah. All the more reason to just shut your mouth, slap on a smile, and nod in the affirmative — right?

I sure as fuck hope not.

A Brooklyn tree that has no problem saying “not on my watch.”

It’s a painstaking process, but for all of the social, political, and moral unrest that’s been happening within the cataclysmic 21st century, it does seem like women are slowly learning to buck tradition and say no when and where they feel like it. Whether that’s at work (“no, I’m not available at 11pm on a Tuesday night, I’ll respond to that email in the morning”) or in our personal lives (“no, I’m not your mother and you should put away your share of the laundry”), the delicious satisfaction of listening to what you actually want, rather than straining to be agreeable, is unparalleled.

Of course, not everything can be as simple as turning down a friend for drinks on a Friday night because you really and truly need to stay home in sweatpants and binge watch “Flea Bag” for the sixth time (I’m salivating at the thought). But practicing on low-stakes scenarios like this can help you flex those “ain’t gonna happen” muscles in other areas of your life.

Advocating for yourself, your time, your energy is hard, especially when you’ve been programmed to tell people “yes” since you could talk. As women we know that in some cases, agreement is a matter of life and death — a painful reminder of just how fraught it can be to turn something, or rather someone, down. But we must try. Even if it’s just telling your bodega guy that no, it’s not fine, you really do want the avocado added to your BLT. It will all compound with practice, until maybe, one day, you’re ready to stand before a crowd after saying, no, I will not wear my hair like that or smile that way or soften my delivery just a little bit. Zero qualifier, zero sorry, just a full and complete sentence.

We have all earned the right to say no, even if the world really wishes we wouldn’t.

So if you’re like me and you need a little bit of a reminder every now and then, just know that I’m right there with you, reaching, in a voice that grows louder with every turn, for exactly what I want — one “no” at a time.

retail < therapy

1. Bell’s Rind Over Matter: I finally went to Saraghina Pizza over the weekend, which considering I’ve lived in Bed-Stuy for exactly a year now is more than a little mortifying. However, in addition to getting down on some very tasty pizza, I tried a new beer from one of my favorite breweries, Bell’s, called Rind Over Matter. Not only is the pun appreciated, but this 5% ABV wheat ale was bursting with citrus flavor for a crisp, tangy finish that paired perfectly with my mound of salty pasta. Wheat beers are near and dear to my heart, and I was absolutely head-over-heels for this new find.

2. Musier Paris Jessica Top: For as much as I love dressing like your favorite uncle on vacation in Key West, I’ve also missed feeling Sexy AF. You know, the kind of go out with your girls, snap some necks, the world is your oyster and no one is hotter than you vibe that’s been hard to find over the last two years. Enter this sheer-ish long-sleeve top from quintessential French girl brand, Musier Paris. No matter that I have nothing on deck to wear it to you yet — once the outfit is picked out, the plans will materialize, and I will feel like a damn hot piece once they do.

3. Lane Walkup Rainbow-Eyed Susan: Like every other person on planet Earth right now, I’m obsessed with shopping for home decor. And although I try to buy vintage or second-hand as much as possible, if I do buy new, I want it to be from a small, preferably local, brand. That’s why I love combing Lane Walkup for new releases of her wonky, craft-inspired wire art. I have the Candle Drawings piece on my fireplace mantle and it brings me joy every time I see it, but one of the signature flower arrangements is definitely next on my list.

   

   A Saturday night #anxietybeer with loved ones is a beautiful thing.

Cheers,

xxHB